The Liebster Award

So I received some amazing news on my Twitter feed last week; my life long beautiful friend Rebecca nominated me for a Liebster Award. Nope, I wasn't sure what that was either. I did some research and found out the word 'leibster' has German origins – the word has several definitions: dearest, sweetest, kindest, nicest, beloved, lovely, kind, pleasant, valued, cute, endearing, welcome, sweetheart and boyfriend. It follows similar principles as a chain letter, in the sense that it should be passed forward to a certain number of people and this award exists only on the internet, and is given to bloggers by other bloggers. I also found out there is no cash prize or trophy, still its an honour just to be nominated.

With this award comes responsibilities. There are rules. The person who nominated you will set you a challenge, nothing dramatic, but there are some questions they would like answered. The beyond lovely Rebecca asked me to list 5 of the things on my bucket list and why I want to achieve them, so lets go.

1. I want to see the world

I am in constant awe just how big this earth is, there is so much to see and so much to do. I am missing out on so much and it sickens me. I want to see things that so few people have, I want stories to tell and I want to fall in love with mother nature.

2. Learn another language

This one seems impossible, my memory sucks and I think memorisation skills would be important for such a task. I just feel that in this day in age it is ignorant to expect everyone else to understand english. Us english speaking people are quite obnoxious when it comes to our own language and we expect to be understood even if we have to say it louder and slower.

3. Be in a Hollywood movie

I don't mean to be the star, I know my limitations. I would love to be an extra in a horror film, maybe even be killed in some dramatic fashion. (Wes Craven? Scream 5? Call me?).

4. Be published

It is a dream for something I wrote to be published somewhere. I want my legacy to live on well after I have gone. I think there is no better way than the written word. I would love to one day write a book of some sorts, write for a magazine/blog/website or even just have my blog noticed by someone high up in the literature world.

5. Last but not least ...

As cliche as it sounds that is all I really want. I don't know how to get it and I don't know what will make it happen. I don't know if money would make me happy (I know it wouldn't make me miserable). I don't know if been in a relationship would make me happy, but I'm willing to give it a go. I don't know if having a career would make me happy, but I am going to try and get one. At the end of the day I want a life full of adventure and experiences. I just want to be happy. 

So there we go I did it. Thank you Rebecca (to be found at itsrebecca), gave me a lot to think about.

This is the part where I would nominate others, unfortunately I am not really in the blogging community so I don't have anyone to nominate :(. If anyone wants to be my friend then let yourself be known (feeling like a sad desperate loner right now). Peace out.

Expectations vs. Reality

I have been on this earth now for 25 years, 6 months and 10 days. I feel that this is quite a long time, I mean for me it took an eternity to get here. I pride myself on the fact that I walk around with my eyes wide open at all time. I feel like I see a lot of things that some people don't. This isn't me being big headed, its just the way I feel I am wired. I would love to be able to ignore some things and act like some things don't bother me. I am an observer, I watch and I listen; and I have developed an understanding of reality vs. expectations. Things aren't always what they should be, people strive for the expectation and ignore the reality. In a world full of images being thrust upon us at all time it is hard to accept certain things.

We have movies, TV shows and the internet showing us an idealistic way life should be. We watch a happy movie and we want life to be like that, we watch a sad movie and don't register that that is probably a lot more realistic. We all have pain, we all have to make an effort just to get through life with a smile on our face. Everything is an effort. Everything takes work. This post is purely my opinion, you may not agree with it and you may think that I am being a huge downer about everything.

Love/Relationships
Expectations
You meet the love of your life pretty early on. It blossoms into something beautiful and suddenly everything falls in to place. You get the house, the dog and the children. Every day is filled with kisses on the cheeks and 'Honey, how was your day?'.
Reality
Just meeting someone is a challenge. There is millions upon millions of single people in this world yet it seems to be impossible to make a match. When you do think you find a match the work starts. You have to impress them, whilst still being yourself, whilst trying to decide if you actually like them. It can blossom into something beautiful and life changing, but it won't happen overnight.

Work
Expectations
You go to high school to get into college, you go to college to get into university and then you leave university to enter the working life. You start your new job after all your qualifications are exactly what they want. Everyday fuels your passion, you work up in the company and you retire into a beautiful life by the sea.
Reality
Education doesn't count for a lot. You have finished university in a shit load of debt and you are willing to take any kind of job that has the smallest to do with the field you are more than trained to work in. You go for the big jobs but they want 'experience'. You don't have experience because for the last 15-20 years you have been in education. You will one day have the job you want, but it takes a hell of a lot of work and takes even more character.

Friends
Expectations
You have a great group of friends that meet up all the time to discuss life. You may have a place you will all go to (e.g a coffee shop). Every celebration in your life they will be there, they will become aunties and uncles to your offspring and there is always someone to call to pick you up if you're down.
Reality
You have as many close friends as you do fingers on your right hand. These people are your substitute family. You may not even see them for months at a time, but it doesn't matter. They are there when you need them and you are there for them in any capacity they require you in. You will have groups of friends from all your walks in life (work friends, uni friends, book club friends) but you will always have your core group of friends.

Just imagine you life expectations as a photoshopped version of reality. The truth is under there but you have glamourised it so much it may seem unachievable. Don't set the bar too high. Achieve what you want to achieve and be happy. if you are always striving for the best then you won't notice what you do have.

I really feel after writing this that I should say that I am a generally happy person, but like everyone there is another side to me. I just wanted to write this for me really. For years I have worked towards my expectations and not accepted my reality. This is just me sharing a little bit more.

They call it a 'Crush' for a reason

Crushes can be crushing, I guess thats where the name comes from. They can consume every thought and every action you do. Some crushes can almost feel like love - and those are the ones that suck the big one. Some crushes can be harmless and can just be attraction. I have, for many years, been a victim of the crush. I have quite an active imagination, so when the crush starts - so do the plans. I don't mean the plans to trap them in my grip, I mean the plans where you start to imagine doing stuff together.

I have found that there are many types of crushes:

The Celebrity Crush
These are quite harmless (unless you have stalker qualities). You see a famous person who you find attractive, and then you find out more and more about them and you start to like them more and more. You become a fan of everything they do and you will defend them in anything they do. They can't do anything wrong, and if they do it isn't their fault.

The Lust Crush
This can sometimes be someone you know or someone you see quite often. Just seeing them makes you smile and distracts you for a moment. They don't develop any further than looking, no one ever has to know, its your own little secret.

The Sex Crush
This is quite an explicit fantasy crush. You love everything about their appearance and you just dream about one day getting the chance to be with them. They have all the attributes that you find sexually attractive. You do run the risk of not being able to find anyone else as attractive because they don't compare. Also if you finally get the chance to be with them you find out that there is nothing in common; still it could be a good time.

The Friend Crush
These can be fun and no one has to get hurt. They are weird relationships that develop from having a lot in common with someone. You want to talk to them and hang out with them all the time. The crush element comes from the fact that they can consume your thoughts - you want to share everything with them, but you probably not sexually attracted to them. An example of this might be called a 'bromance'.

The Love Crush
This is probably the most damaging type to a person. This is a crush that often sounds belittled when someone calls it 'just a crush' to your face. You believe it is so much more than what it is. You think about them all the time, you think about what you can say to them all the time and everything you do do you want to tell them and share. You imagine a future that may never happen. You might become friends with this person as this is all you feel you will ever achieve - so its best to have them in your life in a small capacity, then to not have them at all.

A warning from a survivor of 'The Love Crush' is that as harsh as it sounds - get over it. You are too into to it that it may even put your crush off you as a person. Be happy for what you can get, distract yourself  by looking elsewhere. It will feel like no one else will ever compare, but I am holding on to the fact that one day there will be someone out there that has the equivalent crush on me as I do them.

The most damaging aspect of a crush is to your self esteem. You will start to question everything about yourself. Am I not attractive enough for them? Am I too fat for them? What are they looking for that I don't have? It can bring you down a lot of the time. Crushes can suck and can hurt. It is a weird emotion, you don't know what to do about it. You can create a brave moment and actually tell the person, and if this person is as great as you think they are it won't be that bad. They will still be your friend, but you will be aware of boundaries.

Just remember the bigger you love, the harder you can fall. A crush may seem to be an uncontrollable emotion but it doesn't have to be. Distract. Distract. Distract. I accepted my crush won't flower into anything, as much as it sucked. Yes, I still think about it but acceptance is your best friend in these moments.

Man Up!

I hear 'Man Up!' way too many times in my life. I am one of those people that kind of blur the lines of gender. I don't mean in any way that I consider myself part woman. What I mean is that I have interests and qualities that once upon a time were considered a woman's. I enjoy things that maybe I shouldn't. And isn't that a damn shame that certain things can't be for one person but can be for another. Who made these rules?

When we were children it was pushed on to us what we should be in to. Boy's clothes are blue and girl's are pink, in Toys R Us there was an aisle for boys with dinosaurs, cars and Power Rangers, and in the girl's aisle they had Barbies, toy prams and My Little Pony. I never quite understood why they were so segregated. A child should be allowed to play what with what they want with out our judgement.

In later life we stepped out of Toys R Us and we were still assumed to be playing with our gender ruled choices. As a teen boy I was expected to kick a football around. This isn't me and never was. Sports are completely lost on me. I am happy for someone who succeeds but don't expect me to watch it. Selfish I know but I prefer to spend my time on something I enjoy.

Growing up I gained a love for fashion, I particularly enjoyed women's fashion. I never wore it and probably never will but I would buy Vogue, Elle and Nylon so I could see it. Its like art for me and I appreciate it on a whole other level than whether I could wear it or not. My music taste isn't particularly masculine, I enjoy female singing voices so much more than a man's and 90% of the concerts I have ever been to have been fronted by a woman. When I am watching TV, the shows I am watching are more likely to have a female lead - I don't know why and to be honest why do I need an answer?

So tell me what makes a man? Someone with a thirst for war? Someone who loves nothing more than a pint and football game? Someone who fights? Someone who doesn't show emotion? I am sorry but that isn't me. These stereotypes are ruining people's lives. We all try to fit something in a box; in society we need to be able to label something before we can accept it as it is. I don't know if its just the way I think (or that fact I don't fit in any particular box) but I don't understand why. In this day and age it is a shame that we can't just let things go. You see a boy playing with a Barbie and it is still weird. You see a girl kicking a football around with a bunch of boys and we call her a tomboy.

I have been blessed in my family life, my parents let me be whoever I wanted to be. Nothing shocks them anymore with me. Just today I was watching a drag queen performing and told my Dad my thoughts on it - no he didn't care about it at all but he still listened. My sister is an avid supporter of football and she doesn't care at all that I would prefer to be reading Vogue. My Mum will come to me for fashion advise because she knows I have an opinion on it. We all just get on with things in our house and gender doesn't rule anything. I would be miserable any other way, and they love me just the way I am.

I think it is impossible to describe what a man should be. You call a man strong? Why isn't a woman? You call a woman beautiful? Why can't a man be? A man should provide for his family - why? Can we not get over this caveman mentality of men hunting and women looking after the home.

So right here right now I am taking a stand. I am a man. I have an adams apple and no ovaries. Who cares what my interests are? I am not choosing what I enjoy to piss any one else off. I don't have a definition for a man or a woman that goes any further than a medical dictionary would. At the end of the day that is the only thing we have in common, whatever we have going on inside of us or sticking out of us doesn't mean we should be any which way.

My name is Craig. I study fashion. I never watch sports. I have seen every episode of America's Next Top Model. I have aspirations to work in female fashion. I like to gossip. People like Sandra Bullock, Beyonce and Taylor Swift are some of my favourite people. I will go clothes shopping with my Mum. I cry at every episode of Grey's Anatomy. I am a man.