Gender: My Opinion

I am going to say it straight out the gate - I don't believe in gender for the most part. I believe gender should only be used to describe physical attributes such as external genitalia, sex chromosomes, gonads, sex hormones, and internal reproductive structures. That's it. The word 'gender' should only be used in medical terms in my opinion, I don't believe people should be (or even can be) described clearly as one or the other. At last count there was roughly 7 billion people on Earth, I don't think we can sit back and put people in a box.

Let me explain myself a bit more clearly. I know that for every species there is a male version and a female version. This is down to what they were born with, mainly reproductive organs. I personally believe that is where it should stop. The characteristics that are expected of each gender is where my problem lies. If I was to describe to you what my interests are, what my beliefs are and what my thoughts are, and you couldn't see me; then I think you would struggle to decide what my gender is.

Different people tick different boxes in this world. Back in the day males were thought to be the bread winners, the hunters and gatherers, whilst the females looked after the next and raised the children. However, in this day and age it is all change. Those standards are old fashioned and for good reason. There is nothing wrong with a male wanting to stay home and raise children, and without a shadow of a doubt females can go out and do whatever a male can do. I just hate having to live up to anyone's expectations. No one should have to live up to anything other than the best they can be. If you constantly strive to be something you are not then you are just setting yourself up to fail. This world is a hard place as it is, don't allow yourself to be put under such pressure to achieve the impossible.

For me, gender is a spectrum. We all fall somewhere along the line of masculinity and femininity. They aren't exclusive to penis owners or vagina owners. We need to stop teaching people that males have to be one way and females have to be another way. I have heard 'Man up' way too many times in my life. What does that even mean?? I am a male by medical standards, I got the junk to show for it. That doesn't mean I can't like things that are described as feminine. From a young age it was told to me that males don't cry, we 'take it like a man' which I gather to mean that we don't show our emotions. I am the biggest cry baby I know. Does this not make me male? Guess what, I am still a male. We were taught that females should stay home and raise babies. America might have a female President next year. Does that mean that Hillary isn't female?

It is damaging to teach people that they have to fit in to a box that they were put into before they even had their first thought. Before they could open their eyes, see the world for what it is and decide for themselves. No one should ever be ashamed of been more one thing than another. If you are a masculine male then good for you, if you are a feminine male then good for you and if you are like me and find yourself stuck in the middle, then good for you as well. We all have to live on this tiny planet so can we just let these stupid stereotypes go? They aren't necessary anymore, the world has opened up to us through technology and science that we only have to turn a computer on to see that there are billions of different people, living their authentic lives - happy in themselves and who they are.

No, I am not going to be the male you ask to go watch sports with and that's ok - you can ask someone else. However, if you want to go and watch a gory horror movie then I am your guy.

Quitter

Yes, once again I have left a job. If anyone knows me then they are sure to say 'again?'. Yes! Again. I have quite a rap sheet of different jobs in my ten year working career. I have worked in places from anywhere between 7 weeks and 5 years. I have made sandwiches to listening to hear people complain about their phone contracts. I have sold beauty products to handling million pound business accounts. I have had my fair share of jobs, however I have only ever quit a job once without having another job lined up (the job I quit was soul destroying). I have also never been fired.

People make think (and have often commented) I am just a quitter, that I am not loyal and also that they can't believe that I am hireable after having so many jobs. Shut up. I don't see myself as a quitter. No two jobs have ever been the same. You know what I see myself as? A tryer (I am aware this isn't a real word but bear with me). I try different things to see what fits. You don't buy a shirt without trying it on do you? Even if you took it home and it didn't fit, you would take it back. For me that is what a job is like. I try them out, I see what fits me. If it doesn't fit me then I leave. How can I be good for a company if I don't like been there? How can I be good for a company if I am miserable? How can I be good for a company if I am constantly wanting to be somewhere else? A company, I am sure, wants employees who love the job, who thrive in their workplace and are happy. I am wasting their time and resources and my own by taking the place of someone who could benefit the company.

People will take one job and stay there forever. This can be for multiple reasons. Some people are content with having a secure pay cheque coming in every month regardless of what they have do for it. Some people have to stay in a job because they have such responsibilities outside of the workplace that it is the smart thing to do. Some people are lucky that they find their dream job straight out the gate. I am none of these people. I am lucky that I have quite a comfortable home life that if I don't bring home a cheque I will be okay. I will always have a roof over my head, food in the fridge and drinks a plenty - I never take this for granted. I don't have any responsibilities except myself and shared custody of a 15 year old cat. I don't know what my dream is, I never have. I have flitted around different ideas. At 16 we are supposed to start deciding what we want the rest of our life to be, I wasn't fortunate to be one of those that had a plan, and it sucks the big one. I wish I had a plan, or at least an outline of what my future could be. All I know is that  love to write and thats what I want to pursue (not just to learn how to achieve this).

So, to any future employers. Yes I have had multiple jobs over time, there are a lot of negative connotations to this I know; let me tell you the positives. I am applying for your job vacancy because I honestly believe it is something I will enjoy and it is something I can do. I have never left a job to go to something I don't think I will like. I leave with every good intention. I want to find somewhere I am comfortable, with great people and great personal rewards. I am a hard worker, I used to work 7 days a week and never complained about it. Plus, think of my experience - I have done so much, worked in so many different environments.  I have worked days and nights, I have worked national holidays, I have worked away from home.

I must be doing something right, one job took me back 3 times.

A Quick Update from Craig

I don't know if a lot of people like to be kept up to date with what I am doing, but I like to sometimes just ramble about myself and I find this a good outlet. I don't live a very exciting life, much to my own detriment, but just like everyone else I have a lot going on inside of me.

I haven't wrote anything on here since April 21st. One of the main reasons is that I lost my Photoshop and I didn't think I could create a a post with out a little homemade image at the very top of it. This is going to look very odd in comparison to my other posts. There have been many things that I have wanted to write about so I will make a quick list for you now.

1. Caitlyn Jenner - I am immensely proud of her, what she is doing is incredibly brave. I can't imagine living a life that wasn't for me for so long and then make that change. Fix what needed fixing. I am in awe of her, she is beautiful, a trailblazer and an inspiration to many.

2. Facebook fasting - Me and my friend decided to take ourselves off Facebook for a week. I accidently did it for 9 days. And accept for the fomo (fear of missing out), it didn't affect me at all. I was actually happier without it. I didn't have any sources to compare myself to my friends/friends of friends and it was freeing. One bad thing did come from it though - I missed the announcement of the Dixie Chick's UK tour and by the time I heard about it there was only bad seats left. So overall the week had perks and flaws.

3. Vegetarianism - Thats right, Craig is now meat free. I have been officially 100% vegetarian for 5 days now, but for the past few weeks I have slowly been weeding animal products out of my life. I know it isn't exactly a long time but for me it is a big deal. For someone that considered Ronald McDonald and the Colonel as family it has been tough, but day by day it is getting easier and easier. The dream is to one day be free of all animal products and become vegan - but baby steps.

4. I had a relationship - I don't know if thats what it can be called as it kind of happened and ended rather quickly. It is a shame it had to end, but when it isn't right it isn't right. So still holding out for my prince to come and sweep me up, put that glass slipper on my adorable feet and live happily ever after.

5. I got a new job - I am back in retail! For the time been I am working in a clothing shop once again. My last job wasn't for me, so I chose happiness over money (stupid I know). I couldn't make myself pick up a phone and listen to someone moan for hours at a time about something I just didn't care about. However, this job I can do and I can do well. Is it forever? I don't know. Maybe one day someone will pay me to do something fun but that just seems like a dream right now.

6. Grace & Frankie -  I don't know why I didn't watch this as soon as it was uploaded, but my days I am so glad I finally watched it. The fact it stars 2/3 of the cast of one of the best films of all time (9 to 5) should have been a big enough push for me to watch it from the jump. It was hilarious, heart warming and has given me more catchphrases to slide in to everyday conversation.

So that was just a few things that have ran through my mind or happened to me in the last few weeks. I am going to try and be more frequent with my posts because I absolutely love writing and this one of my few outlets for it. I am going to try and get over my fear of not having photoshop to complete my posts.

R.E.S.P.E.C.T - Find out what it means to Me

One thing that is very important to me is respect. We all have the ability to give it and we should all strive to receive it. However, lately I have been struggling with respect a lot.

I constantly try my best at what I do, wether it be a friend, an employee or a member of a family but I am struggling. I often feel like I am not respected. I don't know if it is something I am doing wrong. I don't feel like I am doing anything wrong, I kind of feel that I am not appreciated because I don't stand out or I haven't changed my ways in a long time, people have gotten complacent with me.

I feel like I am quite a respectful person. I listen to everyone, I do as I am told and I try my best not to hurt anyone. I think that is just the basics of been a good human being. Sometimes though I just feel like if I wasn't there (wherever 'there' may be) it wouldn't make much of a difference. I am like a supporting character in a sitcom. I could be taken out and nothing would change. My problem comes from the fact that I like to shine, I like being the centre of attention. As big headed as that may sound, just ask yourself - don't you like attention for all the good things you do?

I don't want the sun to shine out of my arse, I don't want constant praise but it would be nice to get some reassurance sometimes. Just to be told that I am a good friend, or that I did a good job. I am rereading what I just wrote and I know I am coming across a bit moany, but it is something that has been weighing on my mind recently. I have noticed a lot lately that sometimes when I speak it isn't even acknowledged. I will be the only one saying something or asking something and there will be no reply - as if it was dead silence when I opened my mouth. I am just a normal person that likes to be heard and someone who likes to be re-assured when they do something well and given constructive criticism when I am not.

I suffer a lot with self confidence, if you know me you may be giving me the side eye right now as I can come across as a bit loud, sarcastic sometimes - but it is an act. I have been doing it my whole life because it comes easy to me. It is easier for me to be the joke then it is for me strive to be something that I am not. So this is where respect becomes a must for me, I want to be respected for what I do, so maybe I don't have to be so loud and annoying.

I had a job recently, and it was my review. There was not one comment about the work I did - instead I was pulled apart for my appearance and personality. And it wasn't work based opinions, it was her personal opinion. Where was the respect in that? She wasn't giving me anything constructive, just plain telling me everything she didn't like about me. That was a few months ago and it has stuck with me, like I said before I don't want people bowing down and kissing my arse, I just would like to be acknowledged and respected. You don't have to like me, but you will respect me.

All I Have To Do Is Dream

I have a real love/hate relationship with dreams. 

I can have the best dreams, the ones that make you wake up with a smile on your face, the ones that make you think about things. My mind can wander at the best of times, so when it is given full reign of my thoughts it just takes off. I have found myself in zombie attacks, hostage situations, Hollywood parties, TV shows (been a cast member of Keeping up with the Kardashians was a particular favourite) and so many more scenarios. I also have the dreams which show my normal life back to me with some highlights, I like these. I have the worst memory so its nice to see them played back in HD - it's like Emma Willis is showing me my 'best moments' after I left the Big Bro house.

Then there are the horrid ones, and I'm not actually talking about nightmares. I absolutely hate the dreams that show what you can't have. It makes sense you dream about them because at the late point in the night when it's just you and your thoughts left, it is what you think about (unless you are content in life I guess). For example I thought I was over a crush I had, then I had the dream - damn, kick in your crotch, spit on your neck fantastic. Dreams really do affect your day don't they? You can't stop thinking about them. You have those realisation moments where you realise it was just that - a dream. 

Dreams are a magical thing, if I start to think too much about them my face looks as puzzled as it did when I tried watching Game of Thrones for the first time. Like, how does the mind work? How are we able to think in our sleep when technically we are recharging? I am sure there is a medical/scientific reason behind it all but for right now I am going to go with the magic theory I have. I love a good dream, its a movie that only I get to see. I just wish you could pick which type you could get, like the Netflix homepage - pick which genre I fancy that night, because I tell ya I don't want any dreams like I had the other night about the crush - put me in a mood for at least 17 hours. 

'Dreams are illustrations from the book your soul is writing about you' - Marsha Norman

10 Ways To Get Over A Crush

After my time on this planet I have learnt a few things. One of them been how to get over a crush. I find it a very good skill to have as I have fallen victim to the crush monster one or two (hundred) times. Some have been major and life consuming, and some have been a bit meh. A crush is a weird thing, its a pain that you don't mind having so much, you suffer but sometimes it is nice to know that you have this emotion. You have the ability to like someone on such a level that you convince yourself that you are ready for a commitment, and you are ready for someone to know every nook and cranny of you. So after all these times and occasions I have formed a short list of things you can do to get over a crush - lets go.

1. Tell your friends your emotions. Sharing is caring in this case. It may be hard to admit this truth because it can be very revealing of you, but I can guarantee that your friend will make you feel better - because they will no doubt tell you how good you are and awful your crush is. Winner.

2. Cry. Let it out and let it go. Crying is a great thing, its like you get to flush everything out in one big go - a colonic for the soul if you will.

3. Go outside. A distraction can do you the world of good. Go do something different and meet different people, you never know you may meet your next crush - or lover if you're lucky.

4. Look at yourself. You aren't a bad person but you can take this time to re-evaluate yourself. Why didn't your crush like you? Time for a bit of tough love. This could do you a lot of good though, improve yourself on the outside and feel better on the inside.

5. Watch a romantic movie. This could sound like torture, but it doesn't have to be. In a lot of romantic films you see a lot of ups and downs in a person's love life - now place yourself in the movie, you are only half way through you're story. Your happy ending hasn't happened yet, but if Julia Roberts/Sandra Bullock/Jennifer Aniston/Reese Witherspoon/Katherine Heigl have taught me anything, it's coming.

6. Listen to sad music. Personally I find depressing music the best type of music, and in times when having to get over crushes it can become a crutch. It is nice to know that someone has been going through the same thing - and they put it to a nice melody and make it rhyme. Plus getting to mime your pain in a mirror whilst imagining you're Taylor Swift never hurt anyone.

7. Find their flaws. This might sound cruel, but for so long you have been focused on their best features. It can be therapeutic to notice the things about them that ain't so pretty.

8. Out of sight, out of mind. If it is too bad a reminder of what you don't have every time you see them, then get away. Step aside, leave the room, get on a bus. It isn't going to do your confidence any good when you have to remind yourself that you don't have what you want.

9. Be aware of a relapse. Getting over a crush can take a long long time, it is hard work and sometimes you may find that you slip. You catch a glimpse and you just melt, they say hello and you want to grab them or their name pops up on your phone and a smile comes across your face that rivals the cheshire cat. This is okay. We aren't perfect.

10. Admit defeat. Maybe they are with someone else or a thousand miles away, it is time for you to move on, wipe the tear off your face, shake your hair in to messy yet stylish style and walk on with the pride of Beyonce. However don't confuse this defeat with failure. The fact that you aren't with the person you want has nothing to do with your own self worth. Some things are beyond your control.

I hope these 10 steps help someone, a crush can be soul destroying and really knock your self confidence - but they don't have to. Letting go and moving on is a process, it won't happen over night and you will relapse - this isn't failure, this is all part of it. So go on and go forth, don't let your crush end you. There is someone out there that will crush on you.

I Hate Having Morals

I have found myself caught in a bit of a moral conundrum. I won't go into details because I haven't decided what to do yet. I could end up really upsetting someone close to me, a really great friend. On the other hand I could make myself happy. I could get something I want but it could result in losing a friend - and to be honest I am conflicted.

The person I would be upsetting already has a lot anyway, they seem to be happy in their life - and me stepping out of it probably wouldn't affect them that much. This is probably a selfish thought of mine trying to justify an action I could possibly take. See what I mean though? I seriously don't know what to do. I have always had a strong philosophy of making yourself happy before anyone else. This doesn't mean that I ever want to be happy at the expense of someone else's happiness. I don't want to take away happiness.

I would consider myself a good person, this isn't me being big headed. I have a huge conscience, too much for a person I believe. I am the type of person that sprays fly spray at a fly and still secretly hope they get through it and fly away. The thought that I have inflicted pain on anyone kills me. I have huge guilt, even sometimes guilt by association. So to do something bad by choice would probably really upset me. So is it worth it? On the other side of the moral scale I could get something I have wanted for a while, achieve something that people never believe I could. I could experience a different type of happiness that I haven't before. 

I am not the one that starts drama. Do I love watching drama unfold? Yes. Do I love hearing about drama? Yes. Do I love being what the drama is about? Not in a million years. I want to be the type of friend that is trustworthy and caring. I want people to come to me with their problems, not be the reason that person has problems. 

I think I may have answered my own problem whilst writing this post. Having to think about it and put it into words has probably made me realise what is best. I don't ever want to upset anyone and more than anything I don't want someone to hate me. As much as I want to make myself happy; I couldn't bare been the one that makes someone else unhappy. I guess I'll just wait for my turn. 

Morals are a tricky thing, they are like finger prints - we all have different ones. I like to think I stand by mine which is making this choice hard. I want to go against them so bad just to see if something good could come from it. You may be thinking I should talk to the friend about it and see what they say - they might be okay with it. Knowing this person as well as I do I can categorically say they won't be happy about it, it could possibly ruin one of the best friendships I have ever had. I love this person like a sibling. I think I know what I should do. It just sucks. Fucking morals.

I Hate Me

I don't actually hate myself. Disappointed? Yes. Angry? Yes. Annoyed? Yes. Sometimes it can seem like insecurities take over my thoughts the majority of the time. You hear a story about someone's successes, you see someone who is beautiful, you do something wrong - the insecurities just come and slap you in the face. It really hurts your confidence when you constantly never feel good enough.

Lately I have been feeling insecure about a lot of things. At work I don't feel good enough, I try my best and it doesn't feel enough, so I stop trying and then I am even worse at the job. Also when it comes to people, I don't feel good enough. I don't have the looks that I want, I don't have the body that I want and I sure as hell don't have the personality I want. I know you are supposed to be happy with what you have, and if you don't like it then you should change it. It is easier said than done. I guess sometimes even though you hate parts of yourself, you settle and you accept them. We force insecurities on ourselves sometimes.

People that know me may think that I am quite a confident person, but a lot of times I do fake it. Its easy to be the happy, jokey guy than to show how you really feel. I mean sometimes it slips out and I am asked to smile at work a lot. Sometimes you don't want to smile. And this isn't a woe is me kind of post, I am pretty sure we all do it.

An insecurity can raise it's ugly head in many ways. Sometimes it appears and you shut yourself off. You stay quiet and observe the better way people are leading their lives, but sometimes it can make you fake it. Fake it in a good way or a bad way. The good way is when you fake the confidence you don't have, you think to yourself that as long as other people can't tell you insecure than you actually aren't. The bad kind of faking it is when you over compensate. You aren't happy in a situation so you become overly happy, you aren't that successful so you lie. These are traps though and probably make you feel worse at the end of the day when it is just you and your bed for company.

I want to change, almost in every aspect of my life. I am not pleased with the way things are turning out, I have made some major life decisions over the last year and have said no to things that don't make me happy. I know a lot of people (including close friends) think I am stupid for quitting certain things, but that is one thing I am not insecure about - the power of no is a magical thing that we should incorporate in our lives. I am now ready for bigger things to happen, right now I feel like I am at the bottom of the heap. I am 25 and I feel like I have had to start over, that is something I am insecure about because people younger than me are successful.

I hate being insecure, to the point where I am insecure about my insecurities. I don't want people to know I am uncomfortable in certain situations or conversations. I don't lie or overcompensate for anything though, just keep it to myself. This is probably not healthy but its a coping method that I think a lot of us have. I am going to try and not compare myself - easier said than done. You always want more and always feel like you lack in certain areas of life. If I could give any advise it would just do you, be happy with what you got and change what you haven't. Someone out their loves you for you.

Wanna know a secret?

We all have secrets, some we eventually share but most we keep to ourselves for fear of ridicule or fear of people knowing the real us. Isn't that a damn shame? We should be able to be who we are in front of everybody. Unfortunately it can't be the way. I know for a fact I have secrets that I can't tell certain people. Some people know, but they have been entrusted with not telling the certain person involved.

I try and be as honest as I possibly can. Although recently my honesty has been put under the spotlight. Apparently I have been too honest with my feelings in some certain situations. So quickly I am learning when to shut up, it is hard because you expect to be able to trust certain people with your emotions - I have learnt that you can't. People can be selfish and two faced with you. On one hand they want you to be truthful, but woah there Mary, don't be too honest, even if it doesn't affect anything. I am quite an emotional person, I often hide it with sarcasm and I have found out that there is no time for sarcasm in this world. So now its fake smiles and small conversations.

Back to my original thought on secrets. I wish I could share everything I was thinking and wanting. I wish that I wasn't so fearful of repercussions. I wish I could turn to a certain person and empty my guts, not in a gross way with vomit but in the more metaphorical beautiful way where I reveal everything. However sometimes you have to keep something to yourself to allow someone else to be happy. It is quite a selfless act but when you want a special someone to be happy, you sacrifice your own happiness.

I hate having secrets because I truly believe that been open and honest with people is the best way to live. How else can you have a relationship with someone if they don't know everything about you, even your dark side? I would like to start an initiative here today. Lets be honest. Just that, lets be honest. If anyone I know wants to know anything just ask me. I don't want to be afraid to say anything anymore, I have nothing to lose I don't think, and if someone was to lose something because they were honest, then was it really worth keeping?

Also I would like to invite anyone to tell me anything. I love knowing people's stories. They are literally my favourite thing. I love to learn how people tick and what makes them the way they are.
This is probably what makes www.postsecret.com one of my favourite websites. We all have this world inside of us, and I think it is time to share a little bit of it.

What am I doing?

My blog is called 'What Craig Did', and yet I rarely mention what I am doing right now. Probably because I don't have a whole lot going on. Sadly I don't do much at all. I have become that person I never wanted to be - I have a full time job! And even worse I have become one of those people that automatically wakes up at 6am on the weekend because I am used to it in the week (don't get me wrong - I quickly roll over and go back to sleep when I realise). This blog post is going to be all about me - my favourite subject. As always I have made a list of things so lets get underway.

Job

I am currently working as a Visual Merchandiser for a major British department store chain. Basically the job requires me to make the store look pretty. I dress the mannequins, create the displays, hang the wall posters, set up all advertising and all general upkeep. I am liking the job, it is definitely a lot more physical than I am used to, fingers crossed for some upper arm muscles out of this. Having religiously never lifted anything heavier than 5lbs in my entire life it has been a struggle. 

Home Life

Home life is good. I may be a bit behind my peers. I moved back home a couple of years ago now, it just made sense. Whilst I get on my feet and find my path I don't want to have to worry about bills and been alone all the time. My parents and sister are amazing, it feels like more like roommates than the house having any type of hierarchy. It works for us as we are four very individual, opinionated people. I will be looking to move on within the next year or so but I am happy where I am right now.

Friends

I have an amazing group of friends. As time goes by some friendships diminish and some grow. I am lucky as I always have someone I can go to. I do wish I could hang out with some of them more than what I do, but I understand that sometimes life doesn't allow for that. I won't name a certain friend but I want to thank them individually - they allow me to say whatever drivel pops in to my head, they talk to me all the time, I feel like they get me on a bigger level than most and I never feel judgement from them - so thank you.

Love Life

Not applicable. Nothing new to write. Seems singledom is a way of life for me. 

Plans

I don't have a lot of plans as of now, I just got my first full time job so that is taking a lot of time up in my life. However I am going to do something soon, quite scary for someone like me - I am going to go to another country alone. I haven't decided which one yet, I have limited it down to Europe. France seems to be the front runner right now. It won't be for long, maybe even just for a week, but it has been something I have been thinking about for a while now and I am in a good enough place where I can do it, Mainly I want to see how I cope, I am very used to my own company so that won't be an issue and another major reason is that I don't know if anybody will be free or willing to go with me.

Emotions

I have been a mix of emotions lately. My life has completely changed in the last few months. I have always been in education and now it suddenly stopped. I feel more responsible for my life than I have ever before. Every choice from here on out means something. I have my down times sometimes, frustration with myself, disappointment with myself - always feel like I should be doing more than what I am doing. However, with the down times I do get happy times aswell, I am forever grateful for what I do have. Mostly I am scared if I am completely honest, I don't know whats happening a lot of the time.

Interests

Nothing really new to report here, if there is one thing I do talk about a lot on here it is my interests. TV shows I am currently watching are The Big Bang Theory, Parks and Recreation, Inkmaster, Scandal, Veep and I have become obsessed with Big Brother Canada. My days Big Brother Canada and US have a completely different set up than we do over in Blighty - and it is insanely better, research it and you will see what I mean.

Music I am currently listening to a lot is a mix as always. I am re-listening to Miranda Lambert's 'Four The Record' a lot and starting to love the songs I never gave a chance to before. Favourite song right now is probably 'Look at Miss Ohio'. Also really liking Iggy Azalea's new album, Christina Perri's new album and American Author's new album. I try to listen to a lot of new music, mainly recommended to me by my friend who always has a list of new stuff I might like.

When it comes to movies I keep finding myself trying to seek out slasher horror's I haven't seen yet. Watching a lot of badly made sequels, and some good ones sometimes. Really want to dedicate more time and money to my DVD collection.

So I think that is us all caught up now. I will be honest I am struggling to come up with ideas for this blog. I have posted 118 times and it is hard to keep my ideas fresh, so any thoughts or links would be amazing. Peace.

Shhhhh! It's taboo!

I have never been fully able to comprehend the point of a taboo. Why can't we talk about certain things? Speech and language is one of the things that human beings have mastered, our ability to communicate with each other is an amazing and beautiful thing - yet we censor ourselves for risk of offending. I understand certain things shouldn't be said - Momma always taught me that if I have nothing nice to say then shut the hell up. Insulting things aren't taboo, they shouldn't be said for the pure fact its not nice to hurt someone. Words cause scars that can't be seen. Anyway, getting away from the point. I have of course wrote a shortish list about certain taboos that I just don't understand.

Swearing
Personally I swear like a fucking sailor (I don't have proof they swear anymore than the average man though). I like swearing. They are words that just roll off the tongue with such a punch. My favourite swearword is probably 'fuck'. Just the action you create with your mouth releases such a pop, the word has power. Also I think it is the only word in the english dictionary that you can put anywhere in a sentence and it makes sense. What I don't understand is that we have literally created words that we can't say. Who decided certain words were swear/curse words? I honestly think that if these words became normal in conversation that they would lose all their power, and they wouldn't become a big deal. Although hearing a child swear will always be funny.

Pooping
We all do it, literally every living thing on this planet has to expel waste at some point. Yet, we can't talk about it. Its apparently disgusting. If anyone has an issue with any other bodily function you can talk about it with someone, tell someone you have had a particular difficult shit and suddenly alarm bells ring and you're been inappropriate. I am been slightly hypocritical, I never talk about my toilet habits. Its a shame, I think I have been conditioned by society not to acknowledge it. Another damn shame is when you walk into a public bathroom, the cubicles are locked and there is dead silence. There is a man waiting for you to leave or turn on the hand-dryer so he can drop his load. Personally I don't mind if someone wants to fart, especially in a toilet - they are funny! We need to get over this. Having to drop the kids off at the pool is as normal as breathing.

Sex
Conversations regarding sex are kept mainly amongst close friends. We all share secrets and tales to only the people that we can trust. Like its a shameful thing. I'm sorry but how do you think you got here? Sex is the most primal normal thing we do. It is a shame that in 2014 we still have to talk about sex in hushed tones. What is even more shameful is that the legal age for sex on the UK is 16, but hold your horses Mary - you can't watch someone have sex until you are 18. Everyone has seen porn, yet we all pretend we haven't. It is really not a big deal - at all! Aslong as all contributors are doing it at free will, then why not watch it. If you enjoy it don't be ashamed - even call it art if it makes it more comfortable for you.

Love
This may confuse you but stay with me. Yes we all express love in many different ways. 'I love cheese', 'I loved that film' and 'I love my mum' are things that slip off the tongue with ease. Love is accepted in the majority. Unfortunately not in all cases. As a male trying to become a man I have noticed the word 'love' isn't used as often as it should be. To say you love your best male friend is considered gay. It really doesn't mean that. You can have love for someone without wanting to marry them and share a life together. Love is an emotion and emotions are often uncontrollable, this does not mean you have to keep them to yourselves. I love all my friends I really do, they are an extension of my family. Its a shame that manly men can't feel the freedom to express their love for their amigos.

I am not saying that we should just start blurting out whatever we want now and try and diminish taboos. I just think that if more people feel more freedom to talk about whatever they want then the power will be taken away from the taboo. It won't be too shocking.

This post kind of reminds me of a post I previously did about mental illness, depression in particular. Mental illness is a huge taboo subject. This lies in the fact that people don't understand, because no one is talking about it. We could help so many people if we just talk. If anyone ever wants to share anything with me than I have 2 ears to listen with and 2 shoulders to cry on. Nothing is taboo with me (except maybe pooping, but I will get their one day).

Craig 'The Green Eyed Monster' Chambers

It's not the most attractive trait for a human to have, but I have it. I believe that 100% of the human race suffers from it. No one can be that secure that they don't suffer from it. I am of course talking about jealousy. We all want what someone else has for the pure reason that we don't have it. There are many different types of jealousy; and I feel like I suffer from them all.

It can be small things that I get jealous of, for instance if I am in a restaurant and I see someone chose a better meal than me and I am left stuck with the same meal I have every time. These are little annoyances that I face everyday of my life. I always seem to make the wrong choice. For example if there are two buses going to the same place, I always and I mean always pick the one that leaves the station second - not because I knew the times, but because fate seems to love to hate me.

I also suffer from major life jealousies. I get 'friend envy' a hell of a lot. This can raise its ugly head in different ways. I get jealous when a friend makes a new friend that I don't know, I get jealous when I see my friends make plans for them (the worst is when you are standing right there and they make plans that don't include you). I think this comes from never been anyone's first choice. Everyone has that one friend that is a bit closer than other friends or they have a boyfriend/girlfriend. I always seem to take a back seat when it comes to that. I am the friend you call when others have cancelled. 

Another jealousy I suffer from (hold on readers, there are a few) is when your crush starts dating someone or gets in a relationship. I have talked about crushes before (link) and it can be any of those. Any crush you have, when they suddenly become happy with someone else it can be soul destroying. This can make you hideously insecure and very unhappy. This is one of those jealousies you can't even do anything about, except just be happy for them. They should be happy. I haven't quite been able to achieve happiness for a crush but I am sure one day I will. Fingers crossed for me.

One major jealousy I have is of rich people. They can buy anything and everything I want. I buy a meal deal from Boots for my lunch, they go to a restaurant. I get the bus, they get their driver to take them places. I sleep in a room the size of a shoebox, their closets are bigger than my house. I always want more than what I have and it sucks, I don't know how to achieve these things, or I just don't want to do the things it takes to get them. 

The moral of the story is that we all get jealous. Its a sucky human attribute. It can be an all consuming and there isn't anything you can do about it. You have to be happy with what you have, but whats wrong with wanting what someone else has? 

'And I know that I'm being hateful but that ain't nothing. That ain't nothing. I'm just jealous. I'm just human. Don't judge me.' Beyonce - Jealous (even Queen Bey gets jealous).

I should probably go outside ...

The other day my very good friend sent me a link to find out how much of my life I had spent watching TV. I already kind of knew I would be above average (I love television). The basic premise is that you put in the shows you have seen every episode of and it calculates how much time it was. For example 'Friends' had 236 episodes, each at approx 22 minutes long, so that would be 5,129 minutes, and that works out to 3.6 days. I knew I was in trouble (especially as I have easily seen each episode 10 times).

So I made my list and was getting some big results. I had to stop.  I got to 34 days and I was nowhere near finished. It was saddening to say the least, so much time spent on my arse in front a bunch of pixels. I always have the feeling of 'where did time go', like it felt 1997 was a few years ago - I cried when I realised it was 17 years ago. Now I know where my time went!

Don't get me wrong, I am not about to turn away from the box. I have evidently invested too much time to back away now. I have been sucked in to the magic that is television. And lets face facts; we are truly in a golden age of television right now - we have never had it so good. A big chunk of our pop culture comes from television as much as we don't want to admit it. It is the greatest form of entertainment.

However, I need to step outside. My pasty white skin needs to feel the sun beat down on it. I need some colour in my cheeks other than the patchy red that seems to radiate at any given social moment of my existence. I need to see nature, everyday I see the same beige walls and the same concrete buildings. I want to feel sand, grass, pebbles and dirt under my feet. I want to feel the sea breeze blow through my hair and to smell that very distinct smell of an uninhabited place. So this summer I am making a vow to myself, I will go outside. I will see something that isn't man made. As weird as it sounds - I don't need mod-cons to get me through the day. We always hear our parents boast about the days where they would leave the house at sunrise and go back at twilight, having spent all day running free, no computers or phones were needed - they had friends and Mother Earth. Lets recreate that magic so we can rub it in the next generation's faces.

Whoever wants to go on a roadtrip, whoever wants to go the beach - let me know. I'll bring the food. Just to sweeten the deal I may even wear shorts, my knees have never seen the sun - who doesn't want to experience that with me?

The Liebster Award

So I received some amazing news on my Twitter feed last week; my life long beautiful friend Rebecca nominated me for a Liebster Award. Nope, I wasn't sure what that was either. I did some research and found out the word 'leibster' has German origins – the word has several definitions: dearest, sweetest, kindest, nicest, beloved, lovely, kind, pleasant, valued, cute, endearing, welcome, sweetheart and boyfriend. It follows similar principles as a chain letter, in the sense that it should be passed forward to a certain number of people and this award exists only on the internet, and is given to bloggers by other bloggers. I also found out there is no cash prize or trophy, still its an honour just to be nominated.

With this award comes responsibilities. There are rules. The person who nominated you will set you a challenge, nothing dramatic, but there are some questions they would like answered. The beyond lovely Rebecca asked me to list 5 of the things on my bucket list and why I want to achieve them, so lets go.

1. I want to see the world

I am in constant awe just how big this earth is, there is so much to see and so much to do. I am missing out on so much and it sickens me. I want to see things that so few people have, I want stories to tell and I want to fall in love with mother nature.

2. Learn another language

This one seems impossible, my memory sucks and I think memorisation skills would be important for such a task. I just feel that in this day in age it is ignorant to expect everyone else to understand english. Us english speaking people are quite obnoxious when it comes to our own language and we expect to be understood even if we have to say it louder and slower.

3. Be in a Hollywood movie

I don't mean to be the star, I know my limitations. I would love to be an extra in a horror film, maybe even be killed in some dramatic fashion. (Wes Craven? Scream 5? Call me?).

4. Be published

It is a dream for something I wrote to be published somewhere. I want my legacy to live on well after I have gone. I think there is no better way than the written word. I would love to one day write a book of some sorts, write for a magazine/blog/website or even just have my blog noticed by someone high up in the literature world.

5. Last but not least ...

As cliche as it sounds that is all I really want. I don't know how to get it and I don't know what will make it happen. I don't know if money would make me happy (I know it wouldn't make me miserable). I don't know if been in a relationship would make me happy, but I'm willing to give it a go. I don't know if having a career would make me happy, but I am going to try and get one. At the end of the day I want a life full of adventure and experiences. I just want to be happy. 

So there we go I did it. Thank you Rebecca (to be found at itsrebecca), gave me a lot to think about.

This is the part where I would nominate others, unfortunately I am not really in the blogging community so I don't have anyone to nominate :(. If anyone wants to be my friend then let yourself be known (feeling like a sad desperate loner right now). Peace out.

Coming Of Age

One of the best genre of films in my opinion has to be the 'Coming Of Age' genre. These movies are generally centred around teenagers and young adults. They don't have the best time of it and struggle with a lot of different things, but through out it all they become better people and become more adjusted to the way people expect them to be. Funny thing for me is that I don't think I have lived a very note worthy life yet I find myself identifying with a lot that happens. I may have not done a lot of things these characters have done, but there is something there that makes me feel a bit awkward and makes me realise somethings that I didn't want to. I'll write some examples of this (really trying to open up like I promised in my '100' post haha).

Perks of Being a Wallflower - Charlie falls in love with his best friend.
Yep, been there, done that and got the goddamn heartache to prove it. Don't worry about me though, I accepted it. Charlie was shown a friendship he never felt he would experience again after the untimely death of his best friend, he fell for Sam and all the kindness she showed him. This book means a lot to me as it gave me something that I never felt a book could. The film is amazing. In my experience I fell for a friend aswell, I responded to their personality in a big way and it didn't hurt a damn bit that they are unbelievably attractive. We are great friends now and I wish nothing but the best for them. I know they read this so I won't share too much and ruin what we have.

It's Kind of a Funny Story - Craig's life gets too much
We all have those periods in our lives when life just feels like its too much. The only difference between me and Craig is that I never contemplated suicide. It wasn't an option for me. Craig is highly depressive and life is proving to be a struggle with all the pressures of being a teenager. I know from experience that teenage life sucks the big one. You are too old to make mistakes and too young to be accepted. You have to make major life decisions. It can sometimes feel too much to handle and the truth is is that it is. When I was 16 I had no idea what I wanted to do, now I am 25 and I still don't know what I want to do.

Kings of Summer - The boys want to escape their lives
Along the similar lines of Craig in 'It's Kind of a Funny Story' except they decided to make a change before it becomes to much. I recently made a decision to quit something, it was a hard decision but deep down I do think I am happier now. I had a moment of realisation that I was now free of something that I no longer wanted. Like the boys, people look at me and think I am stupid for what I did, but just like them I don't care either. This is my life to screw up not theirs. And no offence to anyone I know but I don't see anyone in a place to judge what I do.

Pretty In Pink - Duckie has to be happy for Andie even though he is in love with her
This has to be one of the hardest things to do. When you are in love with someone who doesn't love you back, yet you are their friend. He has to accept he can't be with her and he has to watch her with someone else. Yep, in my sad little life I have experienced it. You think that you are the best person for them and you don't understand why they can't see it. So instead you take a back seat and you remain their friend because that is the right thing to do. You are happy for them when they are with someone else, because at the end of the day you want them to be happy even if it isn't with you.

Some noteworthy Coming of Age Movies you need to see

Perks of Being a Wallflower

It's Kind of a Funny Story

Kings of Summer

Pretty in Pink

The Way Way Back

Juno

The Spectacular Now

The Breakfast Club

My Girl

Sixteen Candles

The Virgin Suicides

Ferris Bueller's Day Off

Clueless

Mean Girls

Say Anything

Superbad

Easy A

The First Time

Almost Famous

Expectations vs. Reality

I have been on this earth now for 25 years, 6 months and 10 days. I feel that this is quite a long time, I mean for me it took an eternity to get here. I pride myself on the fact that I walk around with my eyes wide open at all time. I feel like I see a lot of things that some people don't. This isn't me being big headed, its just the way I feel I am wired. I would love to be able to ignore some things and act like some things don't bother me. I am an observer, I watch and I listen; and I have developed an understanding of reality vs. expectations. Things aren't always what they should be, people strive for the expectation and ignore the reality. In a world full of images being thrust upon us at all time it is hard to accept certain things.

We have movies, TV shows and the internet showing us an idealistic way life should be. We watch a happy movie and we want life to be like that, we watch a sad movie and don't register that that is probably a lot more realistic. We all have pain, we all have to make an effort just to get through life with a smile on our face. Everything is an effort. Everything takes work. This post is purely my opinion, you may not agree with it and you may think that I am being a huge downer about everything.

Love/Relationships
Expectations
You meet the love of your life pretty early on. It blossoms into something beautiful and suddenly everything falls in to place. You get the house, the dog and the children. Every day is filled with kisses on the cheeks and 'Honey, how was your day?'.
Reality
Just meeting someone is a challenge. There is millions upon millions of single people in this world yet it seems to be impossible to make a match. When you do think you find a match the work starts. You have to impress them, whilst still being yourself, whilst trying to decide if you actually like them. It can blossom into something beautiful and life changing, but it won't happen overnight.

Work
Expectations
You go to high school to get into college, you go to college to get into university and then you leave university to enter the working life. You start your new job after all your qualifications are exactly what they want. Everyday fuels your passion, you work up in the company and you retire into a beautiful life by the sea.
Reality
Education doesn't count for a lot. You have finished university in a shit load of debt and you are willing to take any kind of job that has the smallest to do with the field you are more than trained to work in. You go for the big jobs but they want 'experience'. You don't have experience because for the last 15-20 years you have been in education. You will one day have the job you want, but it takes a hell of a lot of work and takes even more character.

Friends
Expectations
You have a great group of friends that meet up all the time to discuss life. You may have a place you will all go to (e.g a coffee shop). Every celebration in your life they will be there, they will become aunties and uncles to your offspring and there is always someone to call to pick you up if you're down.
Reality
You have as many close friends as you do fingers on your right hand. These people are your substitute family. You may not even see them for months at a time, but it doesn't matter. They are there when you need them and you are there for them in any capacity they require you in. You will have groups of friends from all your walks in life (work friends, uni friends, book club friends) but you will always have your core group of friends.

Just imagine you life expectations as a photoshopped version of reality. The truth is under there but you have glamourised it so much it may seem unachievable. Don't set the bar too high. Achieve what you want to achieve and be happy. if you are always striving for the best then you won't notice what you do have.

I really feel after writing this that I should say that I am a generally happy person, but like everyone there is another side to me. I just wanted to write this for me really. For years I have worked towards my expectations and not accepted my reality. This is just me sharing a little bit more.

They call it a 'Crush' for a reason

Crushes can be crushing, I guess thats where the name comes from. They can consume every thought and every action you do. Some crushes can almost feel like love - and those are the ones that suck the big one. Some crushes can be harmless and can just be attraction. I have, for many years, been a victim of the crush. I have quite an active imagination, so when the crush starts - so do the plans. I don't mean the plans to trap them in my grip, I mean the plans where you start to imagine doing stuff together.

I have found that there are many types of crushes:

The Celebrity Crush
These are quite harmless (unless you have stalker qualities). You see a famous person who you find attractive, and then you find out more and more about them and you start to like them more and more. You become a fan of everything they do and you will defend them in anything they do. They can't do anything wrong, and if they do it isn't their fault.

The Lust Crush
This can sometimes be someone you know or someone you see quite often. Just seeing them makes you smile and distracts you for a moment. They don't develop any further than looking, no one ever has to know, its your own little secret.

The Sex Crush
This is quite an explicit fantasy crush. You love everything about their appearance and you just dream about one day getting the chance to be with them. They have all the attributes that you find sexually attractive. You do run the risk of not being able to find anyone else as attractive because they don't compare. Also if you finally get the chance to be with them you find out that there is nothing in common; still it could be a good time.

The Friend Crush
These can be fun and no one has to get hurt. They are weird relationships that develop from having a lot in common with someone. You want to talk to them and hang out with them all the time. The crush element comes from the fact that they can consume your thoughts - you want to share everything with them, but you probably not sexually attracted to them. An example of this might be called a 'bromance'.

The Love Crush
This is probably the most damaging type to a person. This is a crush that often sounds belittled when someone calls it 'just a crush' to your face. You believe it is so much more than what it is. You think about them all the time, you think about what you can say to them all the time and everything you do do you want to tell them and share. You imagine a future that may never happen. You might become friends with this person as this is all you feel you will ever achieve - so its best to have them in your life in a small capacity, then to not have them at all.

A warning from a survivor of 'The Love Crush' is that as harsh as it sounds - get over it. You are too into to it that it may even put your crush off you as a person. Be happy for what you can get, distract yourself  by looking elsewhere. It will feel like no one else will ever compare, but I am holding on to the fact that one day there will be someone out there that has the equivalent crush on me as I do them.

The most damaging aspect of a crush is to your self esteem. You will start to question everything about yourself. Am I not attractive enough for them? Am I too fat for them? What are they looking for that I don't have? It can bring you down a lot of the time. Crushes can suck and can hurt. It is a weird emotion, you don't know what to do about it. You can create a brave moment and actually tell the person, and if this person is as great as you think they are it won't be that bad. They will still be your friend, but you will be aware of boundaries.

Just remember the bigger you love, the harder you can fall. A crush may seem to be an uncontrollable emotion but it doesn't have to be. Distract. Distract. Distract. I accepted my crush won't flower into anything, as much as it sucked. Yes, I still think about it but acceptance is your best friend in these moments.

The Power Of No

Recently I have discovered the word 'No'. I have been saying it for years, especially when it comes to things such as salad and exercise, but now I realise the power that comes from it. You can say it to things that are expected of you. You can say it to things that people want you to do. It is your life and you get to decide how it goes.

In recent months I have been struggling with certain aspects of my life. I accepted them for what they were and just went along with them. It came to a point where I was miserable, so one day I just said 'no'. The weight that felt lifted from my shoulders was glorious. Yes, I have let people down and haven't met expectations, but who the hell cares? I am going to do what I want to do from now on. I only get one chance to do what I wanted to do and I took it. With most things in life you can go back, if you feel like you made a mistake later down the line it is never too late. So right now I made a decision which will impact certain things but I am so much happier from it.

We are stuck in a society that expects certain things from us. We are expected to go to school, get a job and live happily ever after in an existence that might not be for you. You stick to the status quo and everyone is happy. Well not me, I don't want a life that is already mapped out. I don't want to do what everyone else does. I don't have a 5 year plan, hell I don't even know what I am doing next week - and I love that. I like the unpredictable and unexpected. This is where 'no' has become so important. I have said 'no' to things that should automatically be a 'yes'.

I am not standing here on my little soap box asking you to follow my lead. The way I like to do things may not be what everyone likes. People may find happiness and security in knowing what to do in their lives. Sometimes I wish I could aswell, but I always yearn for something else. My Dad has always said when I start something new 'I give it 3 weeks'. This is so true because thats when I start to get bored and I want to move on. I am a restless person, I just want to live a life filled with spontaneity, adventure, beauty and creativity.

'I don’t wanna do it. It’s really liberating to say no to shit you hate. So you go ahead, you go live your truth. I’ll be here living my truth.' - Lena Dunham, Girls

Man Up!

I hear 'Man Up!' way too many times in my life. I am one of those people that kind of blur the lines of gender. I don't mean in any way that I consider myself part woman. What I mean is that I have interests and qualities that once upon a time were considered a woman's. I enjoy things that maybe I shouldn't. And isn't that a damn shame that certain things can't be for one person but can be for another. Who made these rules?

When we were children it was pushed on to us what we should be in to. Boy's clothes are blue and girl's are pink, in Toys R Us there was an aisle for boys with dinosaurs, cars and Power Rangers, and in the girl's aisle they had Barbies, toy prams and My Little Pony. I never quite understood why they were so segregated. A child should be allowed to play what with what they want with out our judgement.

In later life we stepped out of Toys R Us and we were still assumed to be playing with our gender ruled choices. As a teen boy I was expected to kick a football around. This isn't me and never was. Sports are completely lost on me. I am happy for someone who succeeds but don't expect me to watch it. Selfish I know but I prefer to spend my time on something I enjoy.

Growing up I gained a love for fashion, I particularly enjoyed women's fashion. I never wore it and probably never will but I would buy Vogue, Elle and Nylon so I could see it. Its like art for me and I appreciate it on a whole other level than whether I could wear it or not. My music taste isn't particularly masculine, I enjoy female singing voices so much more than a man's and 90% of the concerts I have ever been to have been fronted by a woman. When I am watching TV, the shows I am watching are more likely to have a female lead - I don't know why and to be honest why do I need an answer?

So tell me what makes a man? Someone with a thirst for war? Someone who loves nothing more than a pint and football game? Someone who fights? Someone who doesn't show emotion? I am sorry but that isn't me. These stereotypes are ruining people's lives. We all try to fit something in a box; in society we need to be able to label something before we can accept it as it is. I don't know if its just the way I think (or that fact I don't fit in any particular box) but I don't understand why. In this day and age it is a shame that we can't just let things go. You see a boy playing with a Barbie and it is still weird. You see a girl kicking a football around with a bunch of boys and we call her a tomboy.

I have been blessed in my family life, my parents let me be whoever I wanted to be. Nothing shocks them anymore with me. Just today I was watching a drag queen performing and told my Dad my thoughts on it - no he didn't care about it at all but he still listened. My sister is an avid supporter of football and she doesn't care at all that I would prefer to be reading Vogue. My Mum will come to me for fashion advise because she knows I have an opinion on it. We all just get on with things in our house and gender doesn't rule anything. I would be miserable any other way, and they love me just the way I am.

I think it is impossible to describe what a man should be. You call a man strong? Why isn't a woman? You call a woman beautiful? Why can't a man be? A man should provide for his family - why? Can we not get over this caveman mentality of men hunting and women looking after the home.

So right here right now I am taking a stand. I am a man. I have an adams apple and no ovaries. Who cares what my interests are? I am not choosing what I enjoy to piss any one else off. I don't have a definition for a man or a woman that goes any further than a medical dictionary would. At the end of the day that is the only thing we have in common, whatever we have going on inside of us or sticking out of us doesn't mean we should be any which way.

My name is Craig. I study fashion. I never watch sports. I have seen every episode of America's Next Top Model. I have aspirations to work in female fashion. I like to gossip. People like Sandra Bullock, Beyonce and Taylor Swift are some of my favourite people. I will go clothes shopping with my Mum. I cry at every episode of Grey's Anatomy. I am a man.

Frenemies

The Urban Dictionary defines a Frenemy as 'The type of "friend" whose words or actions bring you down.(whether you realise it as intentional or not) The type of friend you ought to cut off but don't because ... they're nice ... good ... you've had good times with them. You know they're good people that you can count on to bring you down again sometime in the near future.'

So why do we keep them around? Why do we do it to ourselves? We should only concern ourselves with people that benefit us. I do not mean this in a selfish way, but I guess maybe in someways I do. Let me explain, we only get one spin on this Earth so lets not waste it. Lets not give our energy or time to someone who is only there to make you feel shit about yourself. When I talk about someone who benefits us I simply mean someone who adds a positive to your life. Someone who gives you the odd compliment, someone who praises you successes , someone who will help you with your failures and even someone that has the rare quality of been excited for something good that is happening to you even if it doesn't affect them. I don't think this is selfish to expect at all, we are all human and able to do these things.

A sad fact is that you're best friend yesterday can be your frenemy tomorrow. Something can change and they can turn sour. Often they will even blame you for it and say that YOU changed or that they finally see 'the real you'. Don't be afraid to call bullshit on this. If you know deep down that you didn't change and even if you did it was for personal growth - then it is their problem, don't try and win someone back by actually changing or reverting. This person may even be delusional and think they are helping you out by giving you the 'truth', they can do one. This person is a poison and you need to be cured instantly.

Cutting someone off can be extremely hard, but believe me it is so worth it in the end. I probably did do it the cowardly way and I just stopped replying - they eventually got it. However, I don't care I am so much happier and freer because of it. I consider myself a lucky person, I have amazing friends who actually seem to want to hang out with me. We may not even speak for months at a time, but for me thats ok. I was never that person that needed a friend handcuffed to me. I have people that can help me if I ever need it and I hope they know I would drop anything to go and help them.

I guess what I am saying is that we should only ever surround ourselves with good people. People who you love and people that love you back. Forget everyone else, this is your turn on this planet and you get to decide how you experience it. Never accept this blurred line of a frenemy - it is better to have an enemy who honestly says they don't like you, than to have a friend who says it behind your back. Don't fear the enemy that attacks you, but the fake friend who hugs you.