I Hate Me

I don't actually hate myself. Disappointed? Yes. Angry? Yes. Annoyed? Yes. Sometimes it can seem like insecurities take over my thoughts the majority of the time. You hear a story about someone's successes, you see someone who is beautiful, you do something wrong - the insecurities just come and slap you in the face. It really hurts your confidence when you constantly never feel good enough.

Lately I have been feeling insecure about a lot of things. At work I don't feel good enough, I try my best and it doesn't feel enough, so I stop trying and then I am even worse at the job. Also when it comes to people, I don't feel good enough. I don't have the looks that I want, I don't have the body that I want and I sure as hell don't have the personality I want. I know you are supposed to be happy with what you have, and if you don't like it then you should change it. It is easier said than done. I guess sometimes even though you hate parts of yourself, you settle and you accept them. We force insecurities on ourselves sometimes.

People that know me may think that I am quite a confident person, but a lot of times I do fake it. Its easy to be the happy, jokey guy than to show how you really feel. I mean sometimes it slips out and I am asked to smile at work a lot. Sometimes you don't want to smile. And this isn't a woe is me kind of post, I am pretty sure we all do it.

An insecurity can raise it's ugly head in many ways. Sometimes it appears and you shut yourself off. You stay quiet and observe the better way people are leading their lives, but sometimes it can make you fake it. Fake it in a good way or a bad way. The good way is when you fake the confidence you don't have, you think to yourself that as long as other people can't tell you insecure than you actually aren't. The bad kind of faking it is when you over compensate. You aren't happy in a situation so you become overly happy, you aren't that successful so you lie. These are traps though and probably make you feel worse at the end of the day when it is just you and your bed for company.

I want to change, almost in every aspect of my life. I am not pleased with the way things are turning out, I have made some major life decisions over the last year and have said no to things that don't make me happy. I know a lot of people (including close friends) think I am stupid for quitting certain things, but that is one thing I am not insecure about - the power of no is a magical thing that we should incorporate in our lives. I am now ready for bigger things to happen, right now I feel like I am at the bottom of the heap. I am 25 and I feel like I have had to start over, that is something I am insecure about because people younger than me are successful.

I hate being insecure, to the point where I am insecure about my insecurities. I don't want people to know I am uncomfortable in certain situations or conversations. I don't lie or overcompensate for anything though, just keep it to myself. This is probably not healthy but its a coping method that I think a lot of us have. I am going to try and not compare myself - easier said than done. You always want more and always feel like you lack in certain areas of life. If I could give any advise it would just do you, be happy with what you got and change what you haven't. Someone out their loves you for you.

Forever 21

I turned the grand old age of 25 the other week. I did have a happy birthday, I went out with my friends and got drunk and danced the night away. Although the thought of ageing can bring me to tears quite often. I absolutely hate the idea of getting old. I used to say that 25 was my 'scary age' -it is such a grown up age and the next big birthday I will have is 30. 30!

 I should have had so many more experiences and accomplishments by this age - but alas I don't. I have literally been in education for the last 21 years. I left high school at 16, went to college, then art college and now uni. I finish this year though. I should be happy but I am terrified. I don't know what to do with my adulthood. I have never had a full time job and if I am honest I don't ever want one. I get bored very easily and my attention span lasts for about 20 minutes and then I am gone.

The worst thing about my birthday is that I was always the oldest out of my friends. My birthday is September which is also the the first month of school. I used to like that because it was like I was the first one to experience things; but now I am just the older one. I am 25 and they are 24.

There are certain things that are expected to come with age, we are supposed to grow up and become responsible. No. No. No. As cliché as it sounds, age is just a number. My attitude to anything is not going to drastically change because I have been around the sun a number of times. I still want to have fun, I still want to experience things. I don't want to settle down and have a routine - I am not a 9-5 kind of boy. My biggest fear in life is to look back and have no fond memories of my twenties - lucky for me I am only half way through so I got a bit of time. So if anyone is reading this that I know and you want to go and do something, (money permitting) I will come with you. Getting old is horrible, accepting it is even worse.

I will be 21 forever.

“Hope will never be silent.” Harvey Milk

I am sick to death about hearing about Gay Rights. It is in the news constantly, mentioned in politics all the time and always a discussion that gets people riled up. It shouldn't be this way. A gay person is no different from any Tom, Dick or Harry on the street. A gay person isn't a different race of people that should be torn apart and studied. Its as simple as anything - a gay person is a person.

Who cares who they love? Who cares who they want to spend the rest of their life with? Who cares that children will be exposed to 'gay love'? There is nothing wrong with it. Simply put, it is a person who is in love with another person. Genitals are not an important part of a relationship.

To anyone that is against gay marriage I want you to ask yourself how it will directly affect you? How will it stop you from you living your life? It won't! Yet you are willing to let your opinion become law? You would rather see gay people be alone than happily married? No one is born homophobic, millions of people are born gay - so who should we listen to?

I can understand some people that think being gay is against your religion. That is your faith - do what you do. Gay people don't care about a religion that doesn't care about them - so we wont bombard your church/place of worship with the most fabulous placards about gay rights, so don't bombard our rallies and marches with your opinions.

To any thick narrow minded person that ever said gay is a choice you are an idiot. Would you choose to be a person who is discriminated against on a regular basis? In the media? On the street? Neither would we. A crazy number of people have killed themselves because they are gay. If its a choice then surely they would have just chosen to be straight.

Gay people should be able to adopt aswell. A lot of straight people don't want their babies or for some circumstances aren't able to look after them. Should these babies be put into the system or should they go to a family that wants them - even if its two mums or two dads? Better to have two of one then neither of each.

I can't wait until we look back in horror at these times when we discriminated against people for their sexual orientation. People think we may want to be different - truth is we want to be the same.

So one last thing to say to people against gay people - if you hate us so much then stop giving birth to gay babies!