I Hate Having Morals

I have found myself caught in a bit of a moral conundrum. I won't go into details because I haven't decided what to do yet. I could end up really upsetting someone close to me, a really great friend. On the other hand I could make myself happy. I could get something I want but it could result in losing a friend - and to be honest I am conflicted.

The person I would be upsetting already has a lot anyway, they seem to be happy in their life - and me stepping out of it probably wouldn't affect them that much. This is probably a selfish thought of mine trying to justify an action I could possibly take. See what I mean though? I seriously don't know what to do. I have always had a strong philosophy of making yourself happy before anyone else. This doesn't mean that I ever want to be happy at the expense of someone else's happiness. I don't want to take away happiness.

I would consider myself a good person, this isn't me being big headed. I have a huge conscience, too much for a person I believe. I am the type of person that sprays fly spray at a fly and still secretly hope they get through it and fly away. The thought that I have inflicted pain on anyone kills me. I have huge guilt, even sometimes guilt by association. So to do something bad by choice would probably really upset me. So is it worth it? On the other side of the moral scale I could get something I have wanted for a while, achieve something that people never believe I could. I could experience a different type of happiness that I haven't before. 

I am not the one that starts drama. Do I love watching drama unfold? Yes. Do I love hearing about drama? Yes. Do I love being what the drama is about? Not in a million years. I want to be the type of friend that is trustworthy and caring. I want people to come to me with their problems, not be the reason that person has problems. 

I think I may have answered my own problem whilst writing this post. Having to think about it and put it into words has probably made me realise what is best. I don't ever want to upset anyone and more than anything I don't want someone to hate me. As much as I want to make myself happy; I couldn't bare been the one that makes someone else unhappy. I guess I'll just wait for my turn. 

Morals are a tricky thing, they are like finger prints - we all have different ones. I like to think I stand by mine which is making this choice hard. I want to go against them so bad just to see if something good could come from it. You may be thinking I should talk to the friend about it and see what they say - they might be okay with it. Knowing this person as well as I do I can categorically say they won't be happy about it, it could possibly ruin one of the best friendships I have ever had. I love this person like a sibling. I think I know what I should do. It just sucks. Fucking morals.