Dolly

Dolly is definitely the woman of the moment right now, she is on the front cover of every paper in England, she just stormed the stage at Glastonbury and became the most talk about act of the weekend, just released a new 32 track album and announced a world tour. And can we please remember that she is 68 years old! Dolly is truly a living legend that deserves all the respect in the world. From humble beginnings living in the mountains of Tennessee she has gone on to have 41 top 10 albums and 110 singles that all charted. She has starred in 12 movies and countless TV programmes. She has won 7 Grammys and been nominated for a further 45 (currently the record amount by a female artist - level pegging with Beyonce).  Dolly is the Queen of Country and below I will list some Dolly facts that you may or not know, but you surely will love her for.

1. Dolly was only 7 when she wrote her first song and was appearing on radio from the age of 9. Her first record ‘Puppy Love’ was recorded when she was just 13 years old.

2. She has been married to her husband (Carl Thomas Dean) for over 50 years.

3. Dolly once entered a Dolly Parton look-a-like competition. She came second - to a man.

4. Dolly has her own theme park - Dollywood. She refuses to ride the roller coasters though as she is deathly afraid. 

5. She is Miley Cyrus' God Mother.

6. She supports gay marriage. On gay marriage, Parton said, “I always say, ‘Sure — why can’t they get married? They should suffer like the rest of us do!’”

7. She refused to sell Elvis Presley the publishing rights to her hit ‘I Will Always Love You.’ Elvis’ manager called Parton the day before the recording session and told her that he and Presley wouldn’t record any songs that they didn’t have at least half of the publishing rights to. “It had nothing to do with Elvis, because hopefully he was disappointed too, but I just wouldn’t let him have the publishing,” said Parton.

8. Famously said of her distinctive appearance: "It takes a lot of money to make a person look this cheap."

9. She has donated 45 million+ books to her own child literacy organisation.

10. Reportedly written over 5000 songs.

I love Dolly and I know everyone has a special place for her in their hearts; and who doesn't know the words to 'I Will Always Love You' or '9 to 5'?! She never seems to stop; she either has a movie, a CD, a tour or an appearance somewhere. Long live Dolly Parton.

“I tried every diet in the book. I tried some that weren't in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets.” 

― Dolly Parton

“I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb - and I'm not blonde either.” 

― Dolly Parton

“People always ask me how long it takes to do my hair. I don’t know, I’m never there.” 

― Dolly Parton

“I was the first woman to burn my bra - it took the fire department four days to put it out.” 

― Dolly Parton

“Figure out who you are. Then do it on purpose.” 

― Dolly Parton

C Festival

I have been to a few festivals and they have been very hit and miss. My main issue is the people that go. Some are great do not get me wrong, but there are a few that ruin it for everybody. Everyone I know can have fun and be respectable, I don't want to sound like a Dad but everyone can be happy if everyone is considerate. Be loud, be energetic but don't throw cups of piss over the crowd and intimidate people. If you can't handle your drink then know your limits, if you can't handle drugs then don't take them. 

Another problem for me is the music, I like a lot of bands from a lot of different genres but there isn't a lot of festivals that cater just to me (regardless of my intense letter writing). I love country music (and proud of it) but England doesn't, there are so many other types of bands or acts that also don't get a chance to show themselves off. Even if they aren't popular they should get a shot in front of a large crowd.

The toilets. Enough said. How can so many people be so disgusting? Flush the toilet, poop in the toilet and use the toilet for toilet reasons only. Simple.

So I have come up with an idea - C Festival. A festival for me. Stay with me - it will have all the music I like and because my taste is diverse there is something for everyone. Plus I have some reunion surprises like Destinys Child and Mis-teeq. Acts from all walks of life will have a slot. Food is free - I would get food vendors to donate food with the promise that this will get their company attention for the future and never disregard word of mouth. Also free alcohol will be available. I would get major drink companies to sponsor the event.

So hands up who wouldn't like this, no one? Thats good. All I will need is a couple hundred companies to sponsor me, a good place to put the festival on and a few thousand people to attend. See ya there folks.

Festivals - A Warning

When I bought my ticket for V Festival I definitely romanticized the idea of going. The music, the people, the camping, the drinking and the food got me all excited. The amount of possible fun overwhelmed me - then it actually came to been there. Everything smacks you in the face. It isn't always fun, it is a lot of work. So as a guidance I thought I would inform some Festival Virgin's of the perils of festival life.

The Smell

Wherever you go, wherever you stand and no matter how you try and avoid it there is a smell that fills the air. The port-a-loos. They are disgusting. It is a box of shit. Yes, it gets emptied and sprayed clean regularly but it doesn't take away the smell. Infact the spraying they do just spreads all the 'stuff' around. Going to flush the toilet is always something I will prepare for now, after seeing a turd attached to the handle. 

The Port-a-loos

To some people, some disgusting people these aren't regular toilets. Some 'people' decide that aslong as their waste is somewhere within that space then its good. They will even walk out confidently and not even acknowledge you as you walk in after them. I have seen so many turds on a toilet seat now that it doesn't even affect me anymore. Also the crapper suddenly turns into something else for some people - a place to do drugs and a place to have sex. Seeing used condoms have become the norm. Apparently their tent just won't do.

The People

I completely understand that people are there to have fun, and God-willing so was I. Although there is a difference between some of us. Some of us can have fun whilst also having respect. To me throwing cups of piss isn't fun, pushing through people is not fun and been rude and obnoxious is not fun. We are all there to have fun and we all have paid for our ticket so a little respect is not too much to ask for. To the guy that did coke in the open and nearly pissed on our tent whilst butt-ass-naked should take note - more then a thousand people hate you.

The Cost

The choice of food is amazing. You can have food from any place on earth. You can eat like a King - aslong as you have the money of a King. I love Mexican food so you can understand the food-gasm I had when I saw the Mexican food truck. Fajitas, burritos, nachos oh my. I was gutted when I saw the price list. £8 for a single fajita - one wrap and a spoonful of chicken and vegetables. It was delicious but the taste of bitterness I had when I forked over the money lingered longer then the spices. Everything costs, its ridiculous. I easily spent £150 over 3 days - and I didn't even eat 3 meals a day.

The Fashion

Festival fashion is celebrated for its unique look. A mixture of styles and an opportunity to wear whatever you want to feel comfortable. All of this seems to have been lost amongst festival-goers this year. I was forever having to look in a different direction for fear of heaving. I like denim shorts don't get me wrong, paired with the right accessories and clothes they can look great. However, wearing them as what can only be described as underwear is not the right way. I am sorry to the ladies I am sure I am about to offend - please learn what size you are! Its easy, try a few different sizes and see which one fits, you won't have to constantly pull it out of your butt or va-jay-jay. To all the women who do know their size well done and thank you. 

To the men who still think its cute to wear character onesies - it isn't. To all the men who wear the man-kini - BORAT WAS 7 YEARS AGO! Women, don't wear a strapless party dress - you will regret it but you will have amazing upper arm muscles from having to pull it up every 6 seconds. Don't be an idiot and wear high heels - you know where you are! Leather pencil skirt? Seriously? And on a personal note, to the men with great bodies that go topless - please stop, my self loathing was peaking (also thank you for supplying the eye candy). Basically be comfortable, wear the oversized tee, wear the clothes that fit, wear a funky headdress, wear crazy make-up - people will judge you less for being smart in your choices. I saw too many crotches that weekend. 

Shitty toilets and an amazing escape

I have been to a couple of festivals in my time. I really love them. Its like your stuck in a world of music, tents and alcohol. For a couple of hundred quid you get to see all of your favourite music acts, have huge sleep overs with like minded people and get pissed 24 hours a day.

There are some down sides to the whole festival experience, one word - portaloo. They are disgusting. If you need to go make sure you do it first thing in the morning. Just after the cleaning crew have arrived and pumped all the crap out - run! This is the only time of the day that you won't be sitting over a mountain of shit. No shock but they stink. Not helped by the fact that some people don't sit, they hover. Do not be shocked to find a turd on the toilet seat. Some people lose all sense of common decency - its every shitter for themselves.  Also I wouldn't use the showers - they are for the desperate shitters. Baby wipe baths are the way forward.

The good times out weigh the bad times 10 fold. On the first day its like a huge meet and greet. You get to know your neighbours (especially helpful when you need a mallet). Everyone is excited, you go on some rides, start drinking and go find something to do. Then the next day you wake up (some slightly worse for wear) and the music starts. You go to the stages, you get a beverage and don't give a fuck.You get lost in everything and you forget about your real life for a couple of days. There is mud everywhere, cups of piss been chucked over everyone and people getting sick in the corner - and you don't care. If you're going to a festival don't expect cleanliness. You are stupid to expect it.

This year I am going to V Festival. I had no plans to go any this year as the line-ups weren't really made for me. Then one word changed everything - Beyonce! I missed out on the Mrs. Carter tour and I was gutted so I made sure I got tickets to this (so much that I bought someone else's ticket for them). I really can't wait. Its the greatest escape and you get to do and see things you won't in real life.