I Hate Me

I don't actually hate myself. Disappointed? Yes. Angry? Yes. Annoyed? Yes. Sometimes it can seem like insecurities take over my thoughts the majority of the time. You hear a story about someone's successes, you see someone who is beautiful, you do something wrong - the insecurities just come and slap you in the face. It really hurts your confidence when you constantly never feel good enough.

Lately I have been feeling insecure about a lot of things. At work I don't feel good enough, I try my best and it doesn't feel enough, so I stop trying and then I am even worse at the job. Also when it comes to people, I don't feel good enough. I don't have the looks that I want, I don't have the body that I want and I sure as hell don't have the personality I want. I know you are supposed to be happy with what you have, and if you don't like it then you should change it. It is easier said than done. I guess sometimes even though you hate parts of yourself, you settle and you accept them. We force insecurities on ourselves sometimes.

People that know me may think that I am quite a confident person, but a lot of times I do fake it. Its easy to be the happy, jokey guy than to show how you really feel. I mean sometimes it slips out and I am asked to smile at work a lot. Sometimes you don't want to smile. And this isn't a woe is me kind of post, I am pretty sure we all do it.

An insecurity can raise it's ugly head in many ways. Sometimes it appears and you shut yourself off. You stay quiet and observe the better way people are leading their lives, but sometimes it can make you fake it. Fake it in a good way or a bad way. The good way is when you fake the confidence you don't have, you think to yourself that as long as other people can't tell you insecure than you actually aren't. The bad kind of faking it is when you over compensate. You aren't happy in a situation so you become overly happy, you aren't that successful so you lie. These are traps though and probably make you feel worse at the end of the day when it is just you and your bed for company.

I want to change, almost in every aspect of my life. I am not pleased with the way things are turning out, I have made some major life decisions over the last year and have said no to things that don't make me happy. I know a lot of people (including close friends) think I am stupid for quitting certain things, but that is one thing I am not insecure about - the power of no is a magical thing that we should incorporate in our lives. I am now ready for bigger things to happen, right now I feel like I am at the bottom of the heap. I am 25 and I feel like I have had to start over, that is something I am insecure about because people younger than me are successful.

I hate being insecure, to the point where I am insecure about my insecurities. I don't want people to know I am uncomfortable in certain situations or conversations. I don't lie or overcompensate for anything though, just keep it to myself. This is probably not healthy but its a coping method that I think a lot of us have. I am going to try and not compare myself - easier said than done. You always want more and always feel like you lack in certain areas of life. If I could give any advise it would just do you, be happy with what you got and change what you haven't. Someone out their loves you for you.